Why we cancelled our $40,000 wedding

It was 2018. Suspended in a glass box 88 storeys above the shimmering Melbourne CBD, my then-boyfriend got on one knee and asked, ‘Will you marry me?’

It was the most beautiful proposal and the highlight of our week-long holiday - a holiday to attend the annual PAX convention with friends, including one of my best friends. An absolute dream!

My new fiancé and I were ready to start wedding planning straight away. I knew what I wanted - something bright, airy, and modern (no traditional churches or rustic barns for me). Luckily, my fiancé agreed, and when we checked out a city hotel rooftop we’d seen online, we fell in love immediately and chose it to be our wedding venue. After enquiring, we got our first indication of how much it would cost: 60 guests at $189 per person for hire of the rooftop terrace, a 3-course menu, and 5-hour beverage package = $11,340.

This was only the beginning: we still needed a wedding dress, a wedding suit, bridesmaids’ dresses, groomsmen’s suits, save-the-dates & invitations, photography, videography, fresh flowers, candles & other decorations, lighting hire, a DJ or band, hair & makeup, and more. Initially, we thought it would cost just over $20,000, but by the time we’d priced everything up, it was going to be closer to $40,000 - and this didn’t even include the honeymoon!

I felt incredibly fortunate that just a month after getting engaged, I landed a new full-time job. For the past year, I’d been doing freelance photography, selling candles, working a part-time job, and earning rental income from a flatmate, making a living from several inconsistent streams of income rather than one. I was ecstatic when I landed my new job at the tax office, which would in hindsight be one of the best jobs I’d ever had.

At the new job, I worked hard and saved hard. The cost of living crisis was not a thing yet, so even with the modest paycheck, it was easy to save hundreds of dollars every week in our wedding fund, and even more after I ‘passed competency’ and got a pay rise.

Everything changed when that job - which was fixed-term - came to an end, and I changed jobs. Immediately, something didn’t feel right. My two seniors, the manager and assistant manager, were passive aggressive and condescending; the office environment was deadly silent and awkward; the work was tedious and monotonous. At the same time, my fiancé received some bad news in his family. And so began our rough patch.

Our rough patch wasn’t so much that we as a couple were going through a rough patch, but rather that we were individually going through our own rough patch, which made our relationship harder. I continued clocking in, day in, day out. Driving long commutes I hated, to an office I hated, to work under people I hated, doing work I hated…

Until one day, I thought: for what?

I was living a life I hated so that I could save a huge chunk of my paycheck every week. Our wedding fund kept growing, while my mental health kept deteriorating.

One day, I realised: I was doing this all for one night. The thought that we would’ve saved 1-2 years, consistently, diligently, not going out, not having fun, not splurging on non-essentials, and living a frugal, minimal life, just to spend it all on one night, and even then mostly on other people…

I was filled with complete dread.

Days and weeks went by. I was stressed to no end and lost so much sleep that I realised that it wasn’t just a doubt anymore; I had to stop this.

So I told my fiancé. After a heartfelt conversation about our priorities, he agreed to cancel the rooftop wedding, even though we’d already paid a $2000 deposit.

Here’s what’s crazy: Covid-19 was unheard of at the time. Little did we know, the global pandemic would hit NZ in March 2020, just when the wedding was originally meant to take place - and due to the contract, even if we’d paid for everything, we would’ve lost it all!

Which leads me to what actually happened in March 2020: on the 25th March 2020, the day before our 4-year anniversary, we flew to Queenstown to get married in a mountaintop elopement ceremony. We’d found a company that did elopement wedding packages for $5000, including helicopter rides to the mountains, hair & makeup, the celebrant, and photography. There’d been talks of a potential lockdown, but nothing announced yet.

We landed in Queenstown to discover that lockdown had been announced during our flight - businesses were preparing to close and travellers were preparing to return home. We tried to get on a flight back home, but nothing was available, meaning we were stuck until our return flight to Auckland a week later. We spent that week in our hotel room blissfully reading, playing board games, watching movies, and eating room service. Our honeymoon, a Topdeck Travel 12-day tour of Japan, was also cancelled due to international travel restrictions, for which we were refunded $12,400.

Come November 2020, when lockdown had lifted and we were free to roam once more. We got married in our dream mountaintop elopement ceremony on top of The Remarkables and Cecil Peak, with my best friend and her husband as our witnesses. It was the most gorgeous day, with clear blue skies reflected in the waters of the vast Lake Wakatipu. We were officially husband and wife!

International travel was still restricted, so instead of our Japanese honeymoon, we got married and had our honeymoon in the same week - a week in Queenstown not only getting married but enjoying food & drink at our lakeside hotel, soaking in the hot tubs, exploring the town centre & gardens, going on a lake cruise & farm tour, and doing the most magnificent bike ride from Arrowtown to Gibbston Valley, where we cycled along the Kawarau River, enjoyed a long lunch and a tour of the winery. At night, we had dinner with my best friend and her husband, then retreated to our room for wine & board games. It was an absolutely perfect week.

All up, we spent $5000 on the wedding package and $3000 on hotel accommodation, food & drink, attractions, and travel. We cancelled our $40,000+ wedding and had an $8000 wedding instead, and I don’t regret a thing. Years later, we would use the $32,000 we saved towards repairing and upgrading my house to sell, then buying our first house together as a couple - the house we now call home for our family of four, since welcoming a baby boy and baby girl!

I learned so much from this experience. Mainly, it was a reminder that in order to get the most value out of your money, you need to spend it in line with your values. I’ve seen friends with big, lavish weddings, but I remind myself that 1) I don’t know what kind of privilege or financial help they had behind the scenes - like parents funding the whole thing - and 2) I’m an introvert. I don’t like public speaking and bond better with people one on one than in groups. As someone who was struggling with social anxiety at the time I got married, having an intimate ceremony gave me a huge sense of relief and comfort, and made the day feel so easy - something I hear isn’t always the case for big weddings.

Now that it’s 2025, my husband and I have been thinking about our life plans moving forward. In 2030, it’ll be our 10-year wedding anniversary, and we’ve decided we’re in a good place to be able to plan a vow renewal ceremony or what we’re calling our ‘second wedding’. What’s even better, we’d like to host it at the hotel we stayed at for our first wedding - by the lake, overlooking the mountains, this time surrounded by our family & friends and our children!

If you’re currently engaged, or otherwise making a big financial life decision, I hope this has given you food for thought and inspired you to use your money in the best way: by knowing what will make you the happiest, with no spending regrets, only lasting positive memories.

Sophia

What we did with a $27,000 pay rise

From June to July this year, my husband and I were both very fortunate to receive a pay rise: an increase of $14,000 for my income, and an increase of $13,000 for his. Our last combined pay rise had been $6000 in 2019 (a story I share in the first edition of my book), so we were stoked to have more than quadrupled this number with a combined pay rise of $27,000!

So what did we do with it? Here are the four things we did with our extra income.

Sponsored a child

I’ve always wanted to sponsor a child. Prior to quitting my banking job, I managed to sponsor a child briefly before giving up my main source of income at the time for the sake of my mental health. With my $14,000 pay rise, I was delighted to be in the position to sponsor a child again! I signed back up to World Vision’s child sponsorship program and am now the sponsor of a 9 year old girl in India, helping to provide clean water, nutrition, education, healthcare and hope to her and her community for $50 per month.

Started studying

I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree almost a decade ago, and had been wanting to study again to learn something new, upskill, and gain another qualification that might help me further my career. I signed up to study a national certificate through Open Polytechnic, an institute that offers online and distance learning. While I have always needed to pay for my studies with a student loan, this time I simplified the process by paying cash for my first course, which was $500. The next course is $600 and the course after that $800, which I will also pay cash for - skipping over all the paperwork otherwise required in the process. It is refreshing being able to skip all the admin and not have to rely on Studylink to help pay for my studies! Bonus: completing my certificate online means that I’ve been able to study during evenings and weekends, so that it doesn’t disrupt my work at all.

Increased our savings

Although we managed to save 40% of our income while we were saving for our wedding and honeymoon, since getting married, we’d returned to our default saving strategy of 20% per the 50/30/20 rule. After we got our pay rise, we created a new savings account called ‘10%’.

Now, every fortnight when we get paid, we send 20% to our savings as usual - then send an extra 10% to this account. We do our best not to touch it, using it only if an important, unexpected or urgent expense comes up, and at the end of the fortnight, we send whatever is left to our savings.

This has worked incredibly well, and means that we are now saving 25% to 30% on average while always saving at least the minimum, fixed amount of 20%!

We’ve also increased our savings slightly with another new account…

Started a baby fund

Yep! We recently made the big decision to start a family in 2022/23, and have started a baby fund!

We are starting small, with $100 per fortnight going to our new savings account (named ‘Baby’, featuring a cheerful baby smiling adorably). Over the next year we’ll create a new budget, accounting for things like new baby expenses, specialist appointments, maternity clothing, prenatal supplements, and living on a reduced income. While we definitely have a lot to learn, we’re feeling very hopeful and excited for what’s to come.

If you’ve also received a pay rise recently, I hope this has given you some ideas on how to spend it meaningfully. Of course, if you haven’t quite figured that out, you can always do what my husband did with his $3000 pay rise in 2019: hide the pay rise from yourself! Simply calculate the actual dollar amount difference between your previous net (after tax) income and your current net income. Then, set up an automatic payment to send that exact dollar amount from your chequing account to your savings account every pay day. You’ll avoid the slippery slope of lifestyle inflation, while boosting your savings rate!

I hope this has been helpful. If you have any thoughts, please feel free to comment below, or contact me on Instagram at @mindfulwithmoneynz.

Sophia

Budgeting, saving, and making space for each other’s needs & wants

Money had always been an awkward topic to talk about.

So in 2018, when I first heard of the term 'getting financially naked' from Erin Lowry of Broke Millennial, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my partner and I had already done it without knowing. Rather than shying away from the topic of money - how much we made, how much we had in our bank accounts, how much debt we had, how much we had in savings - we'd brought it up as easily as one would bring up what they had for lunch.

Talking about money wasn't the only thing that suddenly seemed simple and easy with him - being in a relationship was also much less complicated and messy, and full of more joy, affection, and communication. So, surprise surprise - my first real 'partner' (rather than boyfriend or girlfriend) became my husband!

Our (financial) relationship timeline

March 2016 Went on our first date + became a couple.

March 2017 I bought my house.

July 2017 He moved in.

September 2017 Made our first big purchase together - a 5 x 5 white cube shelf!

April 2018 Opened our first joint account.

November 2018 Went on our first overseas holiday as a couple to Melbourne, where we got engaged at Eureka Skydeck 88.

November 2020 Finally got married in Queenstown, after COVID delayed our March 2020 wedding!

As a couple, we've always been extremely open and honest about money. While personal finance books constantly cite money as the #1 topic couples fight about, I feel like my husband and I have avoided this due to a few reasons:

I took it upon myself to manage our money, purely out of curiosity and eagerness to try out the tips in all the books I read;

We are both the same with money - neither much of an impulsive spender or obsessive saver;

We talk about our money goals, and are on the same page when it comes to our personal goals, careers, kids, etc;

We both contribute to our fortnightly couple's budget, allowing both of our needs & wants to be met.

Today I'd like to share with you how we do this fortnightly budget. It's super quick and easy to set up and maintain, and of course, free!

How we budget (+ example!)

We use Google Sheets, which you'll find in the top right corner of Gmail or here.

Make sure you check the privacy settings!

We created three sections:

1. Our net (after tax) fortnightly income;

2. Our respective savings amount based on this income (we're currently saving 25%);

3. Our living expenses, which are the things we have to pay for every fortnight, like bills

Creating automatic calculations can be done by selecting the cells you want - for example, all of the cells with your incomes - then going to the Functions dropdown menu on the very right and selecting 'SUM'. This will add up everything in the selected cells.

You can do this for all three sections - income, savings, and expenses. For savings, select the cell where you want the calculation, look at the cell where your income is, then type the formula "=[Income]*0.25". (E.g. our formula looks like this: =D2*0.25 for 25%). It'll automatically calculate how much you need to save!

Then, create a calculation at the bottom that automatically takes your total joint income and subtracts savings and expenses, showing you what's left over.

You can do this by selecting the cell you want balance to show up in, then typing in "=A-B-C" where 'A' is the cell containing the sum of your income, 'B' is cell containing the sum of your savings and 'C' is the cell containing the sum of your expenses. (E.g. our formula looks like this: =E5-E11-E39)

Voila! This is our basic fortnightly budget. We then take this basic budget and create a specific budget, tailored to each fortnight and any expenses coming up.

Simply right click on the tab and click 'Duplicate'! We name ours to the date of my next payday, which happens first.

Now the fun part. Since everything we always pay for is copied over, we can put in anything we want to buy or spend money on that coming fortnight. My husband will put in $100 for a video game that's coming out within the next 2 weeks; I will put in $80 for an event I want to attend (I have one in our budget right now for a Modern Intuition & Manifestation workshop!).

Anything else specific also goes in here, like car rego renewals and whatnot.

As long as we save at least 20% and what's left over is not in negative, it works for us! Both of us get to buy things we want or attend events we're interested in, as we've made room for both our priorities. (Though we do sometimes find each other's chosen expenses questionable...)

You don't even need to set aside time to write this together. Because the spreadsheet is equally accessible to both my husband and I, we just put in expenses whenever something crosses our mind, whether we're at home, on the bus or at work.

When it's payday, we bring up the spreadsheet and cross out (strikethrough) the ones we've already paid, so we don't send a payment twice.

So what happens when we do find each other's expenses questionable? Like, do you really need to spend that much on this thing, babe?

Money values

It all comes down to values: finding out what's important to your partner, and why - then, learning to understand and respect that.

For me, spending money on advocacy is the highest purpose for which my money can be spent on. Buying new books, attending spiritual workshops, they're nice luxuries to have - but donating to a cause I'm passionate about, or raising awareness of said cause, to me, has never had a definitive spending limit. Hence, the first year I decided to buy pâtissier-made rainbow cupcakes, rainbow lollies & rainbow mugs to raise awareness of Pride Month at work, my husband asked, "Why did you spend almost $400 on this?" and my (admittedly cheeky) reply was, "It's a small price to pay to contribute to social equality and elevate human consciousness."

This year, I spent $100 and still got to raise awareness for the LGBTIQ+ community with rainbow lolly bags. My husband, unsurprisingly, approved much more of this. :P

When I asked my husband the same thing - "To you, what's the highest purpose your money can be spent on?", he said, "Protection." This likely explains why he has health insurance and life insurance, which we pay fortnightly premiums on, and why I am content with health insurance covered by my family's plan but don't have my own life insurance - yet. I definitely understand the value of it, but it seems like something that would only become a priority for me when we have kids.

It's also because my husband has a very stable income - he's been at the same company for 7 years and has a great relationship with his team, as well as a shit ton of leave. His company also offers a lot of work perks, including a career break of up to 1 year off! He also has a strong individual emergency fund.

Who brings home the bacon?

We both do!

We earn the same income - roughly. He earns $3000 p.a. more than me.

While I earn income from a few different income streams - my salary, rental, and miscellaneous income from book sales, photography and candles - he earns all of his income from his salary.

Both have their pros and cons. I have do more to earn almost the same amount he does, but I love having the freedom to explore my creativity and curiosity. Profit has never been the top motivation behind my passion projects, but a bonus. Plus, if I ever lose one income stream, I still have other income streams I can work on.

Photography, for example, is something I've put on hiatus and stopped actively advertising for - but if I lost my job, I would probably pick it up again since it provides a consistent stream of income (people are always celebrating special milestones!), plus it's fun and perfect for introverts.

On the other hand, my husband can earn everything from just one stream of income, so has less to worry about - and doesn't need to keep income records or file an IR3 individual income tax return. Of course, if he ever decides to make a side hustle out of his skills and hobbies, like guitar & fantasy writing, I'll be there to support him, too.

If you're in a relationship, I hope you've found some inspiration for your own joint finances!

Looking for more money inspo? Follow me on Instagram at @mindfulwithmoneynz.

Love,

Sophia